Lost in Croatia and Love

ok..i do not type in capital letters..only what i feel and do not have time for punctuation.
have you ever felt alone? have you ever felt so lost even though you were "with" someone? have you ever felt you were unworthy of love?
i have..its not a good feeling:(
have you ever had the one you love tell you you are not loved by him/her? can you watch the last 5 minutes of your favorite romantic comedy and cry?
if so, then you are like me..a hopeless romantic..or just plain hopeless. i am not sure yet. its been 37 years and i never found anyone to say "i love you" and mean it. i found plenty to say it...but they take it back.
i don't know what to do...like the song goes "should i stay or should i go"
i am guessing i should go...but i am 37 years of age now....when will love find me..if it will. am i capable of being loved? i am not sure...i don't even know if I love me. not anymore.
i have a severe fear of the dark...my "boyfriend" just took my fan ( my noise control). is this his way of controlling me?
i am begging for answers..for opinions. anyone else have something like this?
i have been abused before...had phone cords taken away so i could just clean and cook...i have had my head put through windows and have been body slammed...i have been cheated on....
i was never prepared for this.. i was never prepared for bela ( a guy btw...not that it matters).
he said he loved me..i left everything i knew in america and moved to croatia to be with him. a country where i do not speak the language, but stayed because i loved and still love him.
i don't know what to do. i am too old to be playing games like this. please, if you have been through this, let me know.
i am lost:(